I’m going to write a series on parenting with bipolar disorder. This is my first entry, appropriately dealing with pregnancy and postpartum depression. Let me know if you’d like to write a guest post on this topic. It’s a very serious issue that can benefit many women struggling with the many complications of having a child when you have bipolar disorder.
I had severe postpartum depression after giving birth to my son, Jack. Breastfeeding was such a high priority for me that I chose not to go back on my medication. This is an issue many women with bipolar disorder face when they have a child and want to breastfeed. What to do? Give a try and see what happens? Or go on medication right away? Society is clear that breastfeeding is best. Everything I’d read made it seem like the obvious choice. That if I didn’t choose to breastfeed, I was robbing both of us of a special experience.
Obviously I don’t have the answer for other people, but I should have gone back on my medication. During my pregnancy I did fairly well with my moods, but had several periods of depression and severe agitation. There was also a massive stressor that occurred six weeks before Jack was born – my maternal grandmother died suddenly. A complete shock.
I was very close to my grandmother. I’m an only child and was an only grandchild until my grandparents died. Althout we’d lived in separate states for over a decade, I spoke to Grammie on the phone nearly every day. Her death was an incredibly tragic moment in my life. To continue writing about it right now would cause me to cry, so I’m going to stop.
Following Jack’s birth, I struggled terribly for the next four to six months. I’ve indentified stress and lack of sleep as the main triggers for a severe depressive episode. I’ve always been a fairly impatient person, with a low tolerance for frustration, but it wasn’t until I had a baby that I saw how that was going to play out in my day to day life. Not well.
Even in the hospital things were going wrong. The stress was overwhelming and we hadn’t even had to care for Jack on our own. Breastfeeding was difficult, I had trouble getting Jack to latch on, and the more we struggled to get him latched, the harder it became. It was a vicious cycle.
I was afraid of Jack. Afraid I’d break him. What did I know about newborns? Nothing. I knew nothing at all about small children, and suddenly I had a baby who needed me. Would I be up to the task?
Home from the hospital, it was the little things that sent me over the edge. Breaking down from stress and taking a Klonopin threw off the breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it for 72 hours. I had to pump and dump.
We needed formula, and the doctor recommended a type that only comes in powder form. When we got home and I opened it, some of the powder spilled onto the kitchen floor.
I lost it. I smashed it onto the counter and then threw the whole container away. We never used powder formula again, in order to avoid these types of stresses for me. Instead, we used formula ready to go, with no effort other than pouring it into the bottle.
To wrap up part one, let’s say that things didn’t start off well. I didn’t feel like a mother, I felt useless and pathetic.
All I knew were tears. Tears which poured from my eyes on a nearly constant basis. Still, I didn’t go to the psychiatrist. Breastfeeding was too important to give up on. Things had to get better, right?
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Thanks for sharing so openly. My grandmother (who I had lived with and had helped to raise me) also died suddenly while I was pregnant). It was a huge trigger for my PPD I now see. I also felt the BFing pressures and that whole scenario was for sure the straw that broke…
Take care, I am glad you are writing about your experience…I hope it will be cathartic.
Thank you, it is cathartic writing about this. I’m really sorry to hear about your grandmother. When my grandmother died before Jack was born I felt like it was one of the cruelest things that had ever happened to me. It was so hard to understand and live with. And the BFing pressures…if I could go back I’d change so many things, but of course I can’t. All I can do is love Jack and enjoy him now!
Take care, thank you for reading and commenting!
Chris
I am combing the internet for support and information regarding parenting with bipolar disorder. I am in the midst of my second custody battle over my two and a half year old daughter. I am realizing the importance of speaking out about our condition. I thank you for sharing your story and realize I must do the same. My next court date is in a week. Those of us affected by bipolar disorder must share our histories, challenges and successes with each other and society at large. while I know I find it terrifying to admit to my condition, ultimately, communication is key to my survival and to my thriving in the roll of mother. Thanks again for your courage and writing.
Hi Colleen,
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to you. I wish you the best of luck, because it’s too true that mental illness is a disadvantage whenever there’s an opportunity for someone to use it as a weapon against us. Sharing your story is a great thing, and I appreciate your comment. I believe that the more we can show the world that we aren’t freaks, but people with real lives like anyone else, the better we can fight stigma. Being a parent is incredibly difficult, and I applaud your efforts to fight for custody! I don’t know if I’d have such strength. Again, I wish you all the best!
Chris