Bipolar disorder has affected my family deeply. It’s not all about me, but for years, over a decade I had trouble seeing how my behaviors and mood swings affected anyone but me. Eventually, sober and fairly stable, I saw the pain I’d caused my family and friends and it hurt. If it was upsetting to me, how had they felt over the years?
I’ve gotten many emails over the past week from people who are struggling to help friends and family members deal with bipolar disorder. Responding quickly isn’t easy, and it’s taking me a while to reply to them all. It’s a sobering realization that so many people are barely hanging in there, trying to understand what’s happening, and desperately searching for help.
From my early teenage years through my mid-twenties I left a wake of people behind me that I’d hurt and disappointed. The way to deal with it was to ignore it and move on to the next group of people I’d eventually alienate and lose. My family stood by me, but it was hard for them to watch me destroy my life.
My grandmother and I were very close. We spoke to each other nearly every day. She lived in Connecticut, and when I lived in Las Vegas I was in and out of the mental hospital for various issues twelve times in four years. I remember every time I’d call to let her know I was hospitalized again. It was heartbreaking. Especially because she didn’t really understand what bipolar disorder is, and why I couldn’t seem to get better.
The reason for my lack of improvement was mainly noncompliance with my medication and treatment. I argued with my psychiatrist all the time about my medication. Or I simply ignored him and stopped taking the pills. It was too overwhelming to accept that I really had bipolar disorder. I didn’t think that smoking marijuana all day every day was a treatment issue. My doctor was frustrated and I was frustrated, too.
One of the main differences between Bipolar I Disorder and Bipolar II Disorder is psychosis – people with Bipolar II Disorder do not experience mania and therefore don’t experience the psychotic features associated with manic. (They can, however, experience psychosis from depression). My psychotic symptoms included delusions of grandeur and auditory hallucinations. I could talk to my doctor about the psychosis, and it was okay because I felt comfortable with him. But how do you tell others about psychosis?
Sadly, you do it without realizing it’s happening. I’d tell people I was a prophet, and had a mission to complete. I truly believed it, which is what made it a delusion. What was my mom supposed to do or feel when she knew I was hearing voices? This is hard on families and friends, not just the person experiencing the symptoms. I didn’t care until I was back on antipsychotic medication and stabilized. Then I felt mortified by my illness. Ashamed for my loved ones to have witnessed my psychosis.
Co-mordibity of bipolar disorder and substance abuse is very common. Many emails I’ve received from people are about the issue of drugs standing in the way of treatment. From my experience, I found life too hopeless to bother staying clean and sober. I didn’t want to stop using drugs, I wanted to escape.
This is the toughest thing to tell families and friends of people with bipolar disorder – change is up to the person with the mental illness. You cannot will someone else to get better. Ultimately, we are all in control of our lives and make decisions based on expected outcomes. Until a person with bipolar disorder who is noncompliant with treatment makes the decision to be well, it’s not going to happen.
I’m incredibly grateful that my grandmother lived long enough to see me make the choice to be compliant with treatment, find love with my husband, get married, graduate from college, and become pregnant. She passed away right before my son was born, but she saw me pregnant and knew he was coming. Her death was such a personal tragedy I still struggle with it, 5 years later.
Things will never be perfect. Trust me, I’m not perfect and my mood swings are sometimes severe. What helps is being open about my mental illness, honest with my medical providers, eating well, sleeping well, avoiding stress as much as possible, and being willing to listen to feedback from other people (like my husband) about my behavior and moods.
As always, I want to tell the people with bipolar disorder and their families and friends – there is hope. But we’re all unique, and what worked for me may not work for everyone. Just keep trying and never give up. Visualize the life you’d like to live and it just might unfold.
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
Related posts:
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Hi Chris. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and life experience with Bipolar Disorder. You make a great point saying that things will never be prefect. For me, having a healthy relationship with my mental health team and staying positive through the ups and downs contributes to a fairly stable mood. I also agree that listening to feedback from my wife, son and other important people in my life about my behavior and moods helps me to stay grounded.
There is always hope if you look for it and believe with your heart.